My beloved, my Allah // Eman Khalid
I was going through some of my old stuff because I was going to shift my house. I came across a diary of mine from last year. My fingers strolled through the pages recalling every memory and reliving each moment all over again. Until I came across a page that I wrote exactly one year from today.
“1st November 2019.
my days are restless and nights are lonely. There are times when I’d sit on the prayer mat for hours and hours begging for God to heal me because only he can hear me. No one is ready to hear what I have to say. So every night I knock unto the doors of His mercy because they said that God never sends His servants back empty-handed once they come asking something from Him. They said, what’s coming is better for you than what is gone. They said, perhaps you love a thing which is bad for you and you hate a thing which is good for you and He knows while you know not. They said He has promised each one of us ease after every hardship we face and that too twice. They said He does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. Then why is it that the pain which resides in my heart feels so unbearable? So why is it that He sees and listens to everyone but not me? Didn’t He say that He’ll forgive everyone even if our sins are as vast as the sky and as deep as the ocean? then why is it that He forgives everyone but me? He never answers any of my prayers. He always takes away the ones that I love away from me leaving me with an aching heart and a void that can’t be filled except with the remembrance of Him. Because Indeed in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. Then why has He abandoned me when He was the only one who calmed me?
Life has felt a bit hazy. Lately, my heart feels no joy nor does it feels pain. I feel, as though, I am breathing, but my soul has been dead for years now. I am afraid. Afraid that I might do something to myself that I’d regret. My loneliness scares me and I don’t know how to make this feeling go away.
I did not possess the wisdom back then to understand the delay behind each prayer and the lesson behind every hardship. Allah only answers our prayers when we are ready to face the truth. And if none of our wishes or desires come true, consider it a wonderful stroke of luck. He has saved you from a great calamity that was to befall you.
And now if they ask me what I do on the nights this pain in my heart gets too heavy to carry, I whisper these words to them in a voice as soft and as tender as the wind “I think about my beloved and take comfort in knowing the fact that he’d listen to me when no one else would. How he’d hold me in the darkness of the night wiping away my every tear, healing away my every fear, tending unto my emotional scars and giving me the strength to get through the night without breaking down and to wake up with a hopeful heart. I think about my beloved and smile, knowing how much he loves me and always will even when the world would perish and every single human being would fade away. Our love story is more beautiful than any love story you’d ever read. Because no matter how far away I drift away from him, somehow, I’d always run back to him. I can’t see him nor can I touch him. But I can feel him. I can feel his presence and I can feel my love for him grow in the crevices of my heart every night as I weep to him about the things that cause me pain. He is my haven, he is my home. He is my Allah, my everlasting abode.”
You can do so many things for someone and make so many sacrifices for them, in the end, they’d turn around and tell you “I didn’t ask you to.”
If you love someone, they might not love you back. People will ignore thousands of your good deeds over a single mistake you’d commit. Allah will ignore thousands of your sins for only a single good deed of yours. In this life, you will fall in love many times, but none of it would compare to the kind of love you’ll experience with your Allah, your creator. Once you develop a strong connection with him, it’ll be hard for your faith to waver. And that’s what you should always pray for, for your faith to not waver, ever.
Why praise a mere human being who’ll leave you once he finds someone who makes him happy in a way you couldn’t when you can praise the creator of the heavens and the earth, the one who turns day into night and night into day, the one who brings the dead to life, the turner of hearts and the one who listens to anyone and everyone. The one who won’t judge you based on your past mistakes and the things you’ve done, the one who will love you despite your negligence of religion, despite your sins, why love a mere creation when you can love the creator, the king of kings, the lord of lords?
Allah never abandons us. It’s only our minds playing games on us and that misconception drives us into thinking these unbiased thoughts and it is only during some of the lowest times in our lives is when Allah is the closest to us. Through the cracks of your broken heart, is how the light of his blessings and mercy shall enter you. You might not have everything that you want but you do have everything that you need. This ache, this void, this darkness that you’re feeling is developing something great in you that you’ll only understand in due time. This pain is developing the kind of wisdom in you which will help you to inspire those around you and you can guide them to the right path and show them that this world is nothing but a place of temporary people and fleeting moment and when everything perishes and everyone leaves, only Allah shall remain.
I wish someone would’ve told me back then, whoever left me wasn’t meant to stay in my life in the first place. They were just a mere chapter from the story of my life and they had to be written in my fate for me to become the kind of person I was truly meant to be.
Allah doesn’t hate us. He loves us ninety-nine times more than our mother. He remembers us even if we don’t remember him. Every night he descends upon the seventh sky and asks each one of us “is there someone out there who is awake and I give him what he may ask from me?” despite knowing the sins we commit behind closed doors in the darkness of the night. He waits, despite knowing we might never turn back to him. He waits, for the abandoned ones, the brokenhearted ones, the orphans, for the women who are fighting against the patriarchy but are tired, for the men who work fourteen hours a day but aren’t able to make the ends meet, for the abused and the abusers, for the oppressed and the oppressors. He waits for the prostitutes who have given up against the ways of the world and have accepted their fates as it is. He waits for the ones who feel distant from him but all they want is to run back to him. He waits, yet all we do is nothing. We can’t even spare five minutes from our day to prostrate before him pouring all of our pain away. Because he understands what resides inside our hearts and he is, indeed, closer to you than your jugular vein.
I sincerely pray, from the bottom of my heart, for anyone out there who is struggling in silence, to anyone out there who is ashamed to face their creator for the sins they’ve committed and the things they’ve done, to that adolescent teenager out there who self-harms, to that boy out there who struggles to break free from his drug-addiction, to that girl who struggles with her faith and is not comfortable wearing hijab, to that man behind bars who regrets what he has done, to that woman holding onto her baby out of wedlock regretting the decisions that she has made, to that broken-hearted person who can’t seem to move on no matter how hard he tries, because the only person that he loved, left him.
To anyone out there who is reading this:
I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you’ve been through and I don’t know what’s going on in your heart. I don’t know about the things you’ve done and the thoughts that keep you up at night, but I do know one thing and that is;
It’s never too late to turn back to your Allah. It’s never too late to ask for his forgiveness and trust me when I tell you this, he will forgive you. Because he is the ever most-forgiving, the ever-most merciful.
My beloved, my Allah // Eman Khalid