I have never written a note to self, I don’t believe that kind of thing even exists. We don’t write something without the need for it to be read out by people. Sometimes it is something we wanted to hear out loud and something it is just our way of communicating to the world, our suppressed feelings. For me, this letter is more like a collection of suppressed feelings and emotions. Since my break up last year, everything has changed. My world has broken into million pieces and yet it transformed into a whole new amazing world. I don’t how people think these days but I am one of those conservative people who want to share their life with one person only so after break up I felt really bad because it sucks to be in a state you hate yourself to be, not mentally or emotionally, that is a whole new chapter but right now I am talking about the guilt for sharing so much of my life with someone who isn’t my partner, I feel like I have cheated on my true life partner and it hurts. Coming back to my story, my relationship was of seven years, It started when she was in school and I was in college and till the date we broke up, we never actually fought, the path keeps on getting separated to a point we couldn’t hold on to it any longer. It is not that we have tried everything, well I have tried everything but it failed. We are still good friends though but it is a really different thing and one of the thing society needs to accept. I feel it really hard to explain to people that how it works now and how no emotions are involved anymore but that is not the point of the story because I don’t have that kind of strength to convince people.
Anyways, my letter is not about looking into the past and ranting about it because I am way past it and am so proud of myself. The whole year was a tough journey that has changed me. I have finally decided to quit doing the job and start my own work, the research. I mean, we are world’s fifth largest population on earth and everyone wants the job, how can it even work? So I started my work. Here is where I will talk about one of my really suppressed emotion. It is really really hard to be the only son in the family. There comes a time in life when you know you have to take the responsibility of your home and let your parents finally rest, well for me that time came and went a few years back but last year was the year where I have actually tried my sole to get it to work. No matter how much I earn, it is always hard to manage the family. It is never enough and it breaks me to my core when I am unable to fulfill the responsibility. It is not about pressure, my family is really grateful and is proud of me, I see that in the eyes of my father but I am unable to make him leave his job and enjoy life for once and it hurts. I know how my parents have sacrificed a lot of lot to fulfill all my desires and to be honest they have done way more than how it should be but I can’t go back in time to manage my stupid wishes and desires. I can change the future and be on that path, it is not an easy game. I really hope that I should have a brother and we could share the responsibility of our house together but God knows what is better. This is one of the greatest and second most suppressed emotions of my life.
Finally, I am going to write about my deep emotion, the secret, the thing even I don’t even talk out loud and I will regret writing it in the pre-morning time but when something hits off, you need to write about it. You know, Men don’t cry and how hard it is to live with that. Even though I have seen my dad cry and many times at really stupid stuff but I have taken it to my core that men don’t cry at least not in front of anyone. I don’t cry but I do get teary and on little emotional scenes, watching a movie or a documentary and something thinking about little things and even while talking to God, sometimes with deep emotions but many times with gratitude and I don’t know about how world or you feel about it but I feel good, I feel proud that I have that deep emotional structure somewhere and being grateful makes me really happy. I don’t know why I shared this because I was planning to write about something rather more important than this but I have no idea which was more suppressed, this or the thing I am going to talk about now. The scariest and the haunting part is about marriage. I know I have to get married and even though it used to be a huge thing for me I feel really hard to feel good about it. The main reason is that I want to find one person who is a true partner and not a relationship like we have these days. I don’t want glory, face and especially not money or even degree but what I look for is someone understanding, someone I can rely on, and someone who can write her emotions and read in between lines. I do want to be tied in a knot but I am scared, I don’t know if I can find someone. I do have a shortlist of three amazing people and we really connect but obviously, there is no such thing as love or even something close to it but sometimes they say something out of the blue and gives me butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t made any effort to go down that line. I don’t even know it is wise to do that or not. I am just too scared. I know everyone has these kinds of thoughts and dilemmas but they are all really suppressed and I don’t know if we can even talk about them loud with anyone. I don’t if anyone would even understand that how I think compatibility is bigger than love and how I can ask them out without having emotions for them. I mean emotions, they come and goes, we fall in love with almost anyone we spend time but what about compatibility, the persona, the attitude, it matters to me a lot and when I find a person who has that kind of stuff, my hearts wishes to have something like them as my partner. I believe one day I will find the courage to ask someone out and explain to them about how we can fall in love later on or maybe not, maybe I will just compromise and go with what family prefers because I just can’t fight with them for another girl anymore. I did it before and I have lost so much that I can even imagine so it is all a mesh and it is all very scary and I can’t even speak it out loud because I am scared of how people will conceive it, am I crazy here or being stupid, do I need to grow up? But this is my story and I have gathered the courage to break the chains and share my story with you guys and I believe I can’t have a smarter audience than Meraki to be judging me at this. But if you find time to read this, do share your views. It will mean the world to me.