Finally it was the day that I feared the most. She had decided to leave, leave me, us and all that we had built together.
“Please don’t hurt yourself any more by waiting for me or expecting me to return to you someday.”
Her words struck at my eardrums like lighting strikes a mountain top, staring at her beautiful face with a grin so fake and devastatingly hurt, I stood in annihilation. Her quintessentially beautiful red lips had just thrown out the ugliest and most painful words, a death sentence for me it was, as I recalled the moments when she had given me a new life by just saying “I love you”, her shining and shimmering eyes, her moon like glowing and glistening face, her cologne, the aroma of her breaths. Each and every detail of that moment kept encircling my poor mind. Her words echoed the halls of the beautiful house that I had imagined to live in with her, all the thoughts of a life by her side had just started to shake against her words, storming down every single inch of my head, the meaning to my life had just collapsed and dropped dead right in front of me and all I could do was just watch.
“I hope you understand what I mean”, she murmured rather than talk aloud as she always did when she felt a bit a guilty and nervous, I could sense that she actually regretted what she was doing.
“Well yes, I understand, and believe me I will happily accept your decision but please never feel bad about it, you have done nothing wrong, this is your life, the time we spent together was beautiful. We made memories that will make us smile. Just be happy with yourself”, I replied. I have had broken bones in my life but none of that pain I would rate even 9 on a scale of 10. But this was it, faking a smile right at that moment was my 10.
And I knew that she knew how much pain was there, hidden in that smile.
“May God be with you”, she said with a smile as she stood firm on her place trying to be as bold as she could.
“I must leave”, she said.
I stoop up, got to her, held her face as I kissed on her forehead.
“Find what you are seeking and make me proud, I will always be happy to see you happy”, I said trying hard to push those words up my throat without trembling, moving my face away, not wanting her to see my eyes forming tears and glistening in the light.
Accompanying her to the exit to the cafe, watching her slowly move over to the side of her car, every inch of me yelled and cried in despair, I felt my particles withering away, it was the moment that left me forever hating the sound of a starting engine of car, still gives me nightmares. I came back in, trying to fit in and save myself from the strange gazes of waiters and counter-boy. Crashing into the chair, I lit a cigarette, the smoke felt so heavy that I skipped having anything else. Thoughts stormed my mind and I was stuck between her choosing over me as she once chose me over the whole world out of her liberty. At some point I wanted to accept her decision because that was what she was happy with, and for me, love meant to be happy with anything and everything that made her happy. But on the other hand, I was asking myself that what will I do with all her promises, text messages and voice notes in which she had told me countless times that she loved me and she will never go away. How would I be able to forget those words of her. This wasn’t going to be that easy for me. To speak of something is so easy and to keep those words is hell difficult. I remembered myself praying and pleading to God to bless me with the strength to keep my words, each time I told her that I loved her.
When she told me to move on, last night when we had the conversation, I felt a strange hate with those words, “move on”. “Is it that easy for people?” I asked myself. I wasn’t one of those, I told myself. At the same time I thought she was feeling guilty of what she had done to me, that’s why she was trying to persuade me of moving on and living a happy life. I had made her reason of my life, I had found my happiness in her, she was the one who made me a writer, and now she is the one who has left me with no words, now that she was saying that, she was going to leave. It was like my life leaving from my body, my happiness leaving my soul and my hands trembling with fear to write a word. She constantly kept asking me to forget her, what an insult those words fell to all that I had felt for her. As I was just about give her words a thought, from nowhere it occurred to me that, if she had the right, the right to leave and it was justified in all means, then what importance will be left for the relations and commitments. It would render everyone vulnerable to be left alone by the people, who once claimed to love them. If she was right in leaving me, what importance love has in anyone’s life? I was perplexed by this paradox. Someone tells you that they love you and after a few days and just a shift of emotions and you hear them saying “move on”. Should I believe anyone in future, who tells me that they love me? This question was to shape the future of my life. “Yes I should” I replied myself, “only to let them leave again”. And if I was not to believe anyone now, who was responsible for that change in my personality, was it her? “No!”, I said. I can’t blame her after I loved her. But she doesn’t, I told myself. But that is on her account. Your love shouldn’t be affected by anyone’s shift of emotions, or “move on”, or anything at all. After-all she didnt ask me to love her.